Hi, Candle again. I had a discussion with my QMHP and their boss yesterday (7-26), I also moved units after dealing with trying to remain single-celled. This will several as an update primarily on these topics. Expect an open letter soon, one more easily shared than the last post.

So I recently sent a 6-page kyte, a clarinet piece in Eb titled ‘Dysphoria’, several other kytes about day to day dysphoria. These were received, read — the lengthy kyte outlined my rights, quotes from the WPATH, some questions about the process. The discussion didn’t directly respond to these articles per se, but some of my questions were answered regardless.

My QMHP and I touched briefly on the lapse in my hormones during February, how that effected my overall health; we agreed on the term ‘mishap’. I did relate to the group my lengthy history of trauma, not in any great detail due to timing constraints, but clarified my recent almost-depressive lows were clearly motivated by dysphoria, body dysmorphia to be technical. My QMHP outlined some of how our facility does align with community standards of care, I don’t remember specifics, with the caveat that she does run a practice independent of her work for the prison and there are differences, such as how often we can schedule appointments due to caseload. Really I can’t dive into this terribly well, our facility differs from the WPATH in a few ways I will touch in on my coming lawsuit, I am not fully aware of how things work at he facility, entirely, and can’t grab frame of reference like my comrades may from the free world.

Some details of coping with stress, anxiety, were relayed. I gave an overview of how my dysphoria is too overbearing to form thought, described how I usually cope, with that in mind. I was given an explanation for the lack of response to most of my recent kytes, something to the effect of my poetic prose being challenging to respond to was cited. I was asked to send less kytes — not sure where to take this, most of why I send them is to document my perpetual suffering.

Either my QMHP or their boss affirmed I am not being ‘denied’ vaginoplasty, a relatively moot point given I am in great pain and anguish as the assessment progresses at snail’s pace (if at all, it is all closed-doors). The bureaucratic nonsense may be normal enough that denial is a stretch in that realm of thought, in the more general sense ‘denial’, if not repression, remains appropriate. To you, my comrades, I take you understand, given delay of assessment for GCS can constitute an 8th violation. I will likely, next week, give a detailed framework on how you can help advocate for me beyond securing my legal counsel. I appreciate suggestions for direct action. Retaliation is always frightful.

So here is the current understanding of vaginoplasty: our facility requires 2 ‘community letters’ to prescribe treatment. Before getting to that point, I need to affirm my hormone therapy has been taken for over a year (I started Mar 23 2018). This is all ground to a slow, barely moving pace by nature of a committee, which partakes monthly, ‘staffing’ my case,and was further delayed due to nothing happening for nearly 3 months while my QMHP had covid. I, in essence, have gone from nowhere to no place. After my letters, I will be scheduled, like a year out, for a consultation. Joyous?

My confusion lies in that the WPATH only requires a surgeon themself, my QMHP, and one independent reviewer sign off to my procedure, the 1 year of HRT can be waived and should be no consequence given I have been on HRT for 4+ Years (1 year even in custody). I, further, have no way to independently verify the wait time, know the medical team is prone to denying treatment, in violation of rights, if you ‘have too little time’. All in all, I am frustrated, more confused than I started, and feel helpless. Needing 2 community letters already diverts from WPATH substantially, given speed here.

 

If you’re interested, read section XI. and Appendix C. of the WPATH.

Mammoplasty-augmentation was an elephant in the room, as was other feminizing procedures, which I avoided touching on deliberately, somewhat hoping they’d come up but focussing on my GCS. Mammoplasty-augmentation is our facility’s largest deviation from WPATH, community standards of care. Still need help, let’s move on to more mundane life.

My prior housing unit was unit-C, I was cell 208, bunk B(ottom). The 25th, I was woken at 6am to officers trying to give me a cellmate. I knew the woman, but I am supposed to be single-cell, the housing officer was seemingly in agreement — our housing admin overruled the decision, so I was faced with ‘go to SHU or get a cellie’. I chose SHU, thankfully the officers on duty liked me enough to allow a talk with the behavioural health team… Normally the housing admin clears stuff with them, this was an oddity for the health team. I now have a 1-month hold clearing me for single-cell status, which I hope to solidify more permanently, and am on H-Unit, Cell 101B.

Moving units kinda had ups/downs: I was sexually assaulted on C-unit, my assailant has a strong clique and, beyond usual harassment from the clique, was beginning to wait outside my cell, scream at me that I’m a bitch, threaten to shank me, so moving from that was healthy, even if I deal with fallout from being SA’d still while here, at least no one has skin in the matter. Physically, it sucked moving like 100lbs of shit right after I had a panic attack, fainted on the rock, and missed breakfast. My mail is now delayed a few days as it reroutes. Some stricter officers hang down here, but I am pretty by-the-books. We do have an 8ft basketball net (should be 10ft), kinda sucks, and no herbs in our yard garden, or bees/birds. I am now closer to the meal line, further from where I get prozac.

Wish me luck staying single-cell and sane. I leave with a quote.

”…We are Hyperboreans— we know well enough how remote our place is… We sickened on lazy peace, cowardly compromise, the whole virtuous dirtiness of the modern Yea and Nay… Rather live amid the ice than among modern virtues and other such south-winds!… We thirsted for the lightnings and great deeds;… There was thunder in our air;… The formula of our happiness: a Yea, a Nay, a straight line, a goal.” – Friedrich Nietzsche, ”The Anti-Christ”
Obviously you can look up the whole aphorism. It is one of my favorite books <3

-Comrade Candle

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